Lately I have been feeling quite lost within myself. I just recently got back from traveling South America, and I can't help but feel like I am standing still in life. I have a great job, amazing family, and truly fantastic life back home, so why do I feel as though I am about to lose my mind? I went from meeting new people and having new adventures each day, to the same people from high school and the same daily routine. After having such a life changing adventure as traveling was, I suppose it is only natural to feel this way because I am a different person than I was before. Or maybe coming back has made me realize the person I always was.
Life has changed. The way I look at the world around me has changed. When I arrived back to the States, I was stunned. The littlest things were weird to me. I constantly would say random Spanish words I was used to, but then was looked at funny and replied to in English. I kept throwing the toilet paper in the garbage instead of the toilet, as is normal in the US. Everything seemed so fancy and modernized comparatively. My first meal was a Starbucks coffee (which cost more than a nice big meal in South America) and McDonalds. Immersing myself back into American culture. Of course, the damn McDonalds made me sick to my stomach, so this was not exactly my brightest choice.
When I saw Lewiston from the window of my plane, a feeling I hadn't felt in so long was overwhelming me: Anxiety. I didn't know what I was doing back at this place. What was I going to do? How would I feel? You would think looking down upon my hometown would give me a sense of joy, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed at what I was looking upon for the millionth time.
Now that I have been back for a month, I have gotten used to "normal" life once again. I have gotten back into my routine and am saving up money. I am doing it all wrong.
I have isolated myself. I have no desire to meet new people, nor reacquaint myself with old friends. I tried, and failed to fit in to what I once was. I am changed. I am different from my friends around me. I have strayed from the normal path of life and gone in a completely different direction. No matter how much I try to explain what kind of experiences I had, and how truly life changing it was for me, no one I know here can truly understand, because no one I know has had experiences similar to my own. Maybe I should try harder. Instead I keep to myself. But in all honestly, that really isn't a problem for me. I have always been an introvert, I just tried to hard to change myself to the extrovert everyone wanted me to be.
How can I explain my wandering mind? How could I begin to describe the way seeing poverty made me feel? How traveling alone made me into such an independent, strong person? How breaking up with my boyfriend, who I thought was the love of my life, gave me waves upon waves of new understanding? The challenges of trying to teach English to Spanish speakers? Or the challenges of communication itself? I have a new found love for communication. I realize how truly amazing it is to be able to get your point across. Trying to speak Spanish all day truly was exhausting, no matter how much I wanted to learn or how much I really tried. Communication is so wonderful. I want to learn language so much more to be able to communicate and understand.
Next year, I plan to travel South East Asia. Recently, I have been feeling all sorts of doubts. I feel as though it is my responsibility to start school. I am 19 and need to get on with my life, right? I need to get my damn degree and get school over with. Right?
Wrong? I don't know.
I have also been feeling as though I don't need to have my life figured out, and I need to wander to wherever my heart takes me. I am only 19, and am just staring my life, right? I should be gaining self knowledge and worldy awakening. Right?
Wrong? I don't know.
I don't want to look at school as though it is a chore that I have to get done at a certain date. Sure, I want my degree, but that is not WHY I want to go to school. I want to learn. All I can. I want to take psychology and Spanish and nutrition and kinesiology. I want to be able to feel as though I am not wasting my life being in school. I also have this thought that I will rush through school and get my 2 year RN and leave as soon as possible, but what is the rush? I have this fear of being in Lewiston for such a long period of time. 4 or 5 years perhaps, if I decided not to rush school? I would be 24 or 25 by the time I finally left Lewiston to truly start a life somewhere else. That is not a comforting thought. Yes, I would travel whenever I could in my breaks and summers, but I would always come back.
My family is the most important thing in my life, and always will be. They are my life. I would do anything and everything for each one of them. They are what keeps me sane, while I swim in circles in my normal life. They are the only reason I have to come back to Lewiston. The world is out there just waiting for me to explore. How can I not go crazy staying stagnant! Sometimes I hate thinking of the future. My thoughts and fears ruin what my heart and soul truly want.
Make the right decisions, have a backup plan, my mind says.
Live freely, and go through life with no plans, my soul says.
*Sigh*
Perhaps I my mind and soul will forever be at war. Either one needs to beat the other, or better yet, they can work together for a common goal: My ultimate happiness.
